“Where has he been?” I hear you all ask. OK, the dozen of you that actually read my ramblings – not including myself, Caroline and the spammer who seems to think that random posts are “kewl” for no good reason. A number of things have happened since my last post, the biggest two being the royal wedding and the almost 24esque Osama bin Laden story. Oh, the fun.
After months of buildup, media flim-flam and cheaply-made Chinese-made “patriotic products” being sold in supermarkets, the royal wedding brouhaha is finally over. Hopefully now the media will leave Prince William and his new wife alone to live their lives without watching every step, cough and fart – but chance will be a fine thing. In the end the event went pretty much as planned, and apart from the pathetic attempts by the media to lip-read everything that was said during the whole thing the most all of the scribblers had to write about was the fashion sense – or lack thereof – of the minor royals and the small army of hangers-on that happened to be invited.
The biggest stories of course concerned the women – no decent journalist is bothered about the men, of course – and their fashion failures. There was the case of three people wearing the same outfit – oh dear – the hat worn by non-entity Tara Palmer-Tomkinson that drew attention to her curiously resculpted coke-addled nose, Samantha Cameron choosing not to wear a hat, and the best of all – the bizarre beige headpiece carried by Princess Beatrice. Looking something like Medusa emerging from a lavatory bowl, it was truly a curious piece of work; it didn’t really do the job for me however as I still found myself fatally unable to draw myself away from Beatrice’s rather dead black eyes and that unfortunate toothy grin. I could almost feel myself being turned into stone.
The newspapers and the ever-scrolling online news channels couldn’t get enough of the whole thing, and would have still been churning out new versions of the story were if not for the dramatic events that took place in Pakistan a few days later. One moment we were seeing full-page shots of Kate and Wills, the next we seeing the same tabloid space being occupied by some mysterious bearded fellow called Osama bin Laden – who also had a penchant for silly headgear.
The world has been told that bin Laden was finally discovered as a result of years of stealth and subterfuge, but I have been informed that all it took was a fatal decision on his part to send an unencrypted email to an operative in London ordering him to sneak into Samantha Cameron’s room and steal her hat. The email was intercepted by Chloe O’Brian at CTU, the Royal Mail in typical fashion screwed up the delivery of the stolen hat by delivering it to a Mr. Obama in Washington, poor SamCam was left hatless and at the mercy of the Daily Mail, and the bin Laden was well and truly rumbled. Unhappy that he had not received SamCam’s hat, the vain al Qaeda leader decided to wear his own copy of the Medusa instead, and only succeeded in making himself a bigger target.
The story of the raid on the compound allegedly belonging to the world’s most wanted terrorist mastermind could have been taken straight out of the script of the television series 24 – in fact, I would not be at all surprised if we were told at some point that the late and not-so-great bearded one was bumped off single-handedly by Jack Bauer himself – with the GPS location of bin Laden’s not-so-secret $1million mansion/compound/base/hideout being patched in to Bauer’s special-edition shock-resistant Blackberry by Chloe from an unauthorised terminal at CTU. I know most Americans would believe it – after all, it’s on television so it must be true.
OK, I am not doubting that bin Laden has been killed – it’s just that the media bullshit and the stream of contradictory accounts coming from official sources have not allowed us to come any closer to establishing the truth. Was he killed during an in-house firefight? Was he unarmed? Did he do the un-Muslim thing and put his wife – or should I say one of his wives – in front of him as the bullets came flying in? Or was he even there at all? Well unless we are allowed to see the footage, we’ll never really know.
Of course, it would be far easier were the White House to simply cut the crap and admit the truth. Any idiot knows that ferrying someone like bin Laden halfway around the world and making him stand like some tailor’s dummy in front of a high-security court would have turned into a legal and mass-media fiasco; it made far more sense to execute him there and then in his squalid compound and save on the additional expense and general logistical aggravation. Nobody would criticise the Americans for exercising pure and simple common sense, with the possible exception of the small clique of loudmouthed human rights activists with nothing better to do with their time.
As for not wanting to show any gory footage of bin Laden’s death and rather convenient disposal for fear of “upsetting the Muslim community”, I don’t buy this for one moment. It goes without saying that the general craziness of the great bearded one’s followers is hardly going to be affected by some gruesome amateur video – after all, they are experts at producing such material themselves. Moreover, they are hardly going to give up on their life of madness and return to a more quiet life – even if it may allow them to get out a little more and participate in local family-friendly events such as the mass-stoning of rape victims.